Hokage's Room

Today I got the just about the worst e-mail I could get, the e-mail I had been dreading.

Dear **** 

There has been a conditional offer made to another student but, that doesn't mean the position has been filled.

Needless to say the writing is on the wall. Even if it dosn't say so, I know I didn't get the job I wanted with all of my heart and soul. The chances of that conditional offer being taken back by the employer or the student turning it down are nearly slim to none so I'm more or less out of the running. 

This happened in class and I wanted more then anything just to be sick and cry but I had to suck it up since it wasn't the right time or place.

Now, I don't even have the strenght left to cry, even though I desprately want to.

Right now their are no more jobs left to apply to in my home town. Not that their was ever much in the first place, and they don't pay well enough to bother applying to anything in other towns since the transit fees would be too high considering I need to make enough to cover both tutition and residence.

I've got $3000 right now. I need another $6000 at least to cover it all for next year. My parents are going to ask my grandparents to give me $2000 but I'd prefer not to have to count on them if I can help it for several reasons.

1. I'd feel like I'm using them just for their money. I don't want to be that type of person. I love them becuse they are my grandparents and I don't want any doubt to exist about why I love them. If they passed away I would care 1000x times more about missing them and no longer being able to spend time with them then any possible enheritence.

2. I've worked very very hard in order to be able to afford this by myself with out having to go into debt and it somewhat cheapens the fact that I earned my education myself if somebody else gives me money towards it that If frankly didn't do anything to earn.

It's one thing to get a busery or grant since those take alot of work to apply for or be applicable for, but what can I possible do for them to earn it? It's not like they have a computer I can fix or anything else I can do to help them.

So I've got one place I've applied to that I could still possibly have an interview with at the moment, and another place I've already had an interview with on monday but am not too sure about if it's a good fit for me and that's pretty much all that's on the left on the table at the moment.

And well. I can't even think about what happens if I don't find a co-op job since I'll be screwed six ways from sunday then. Sure the work term can be defered but I think I'd still lose the $600 that went towards this one, not to mention I couldn't possibly pay for my next year with out going into debt which is something I absoutley want to avoid.

I need to hit the ground running once I finish school so that I can stand on my own 2 feet as soon as possible. Having debt is only going to slow me down and make the independence I've worked so hard towards take even longer to gain.

I'm going to be almost 25 by the time I finish school, the last thing I want is to be 30 and still living at home.... I'll never find somebody special that way and I'm already sick of being alone and afraid of growing old alone.

I except that eventually I as person I will die, but before that I want to truely live. But how can a person live if they have never loved? Not physical love but the love between two souls.

But before I can find an anwser, before I can find love or a job I think I need to find out how to cry once more. It may be a surrender of the body to the heart, but sometimes, that's what someone needs in order to pick themselfs up off the ground once fallen and return to a walking pace again.

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